Strength and Honour

Quote of the moment:
"This to disclose is all thy guardian can: Beware of all, but most beware of Man!"

- Sounds highly appropriate to me. My middle name is Danger. My last might possibly be Mouse, although no doubt Jimmy would dispute that.

There seems to be an increase in comments corresponding to people finishing their exams. You who committed yourselves to revision, we salute you. That's me and Oswald.


Shadows and dust, Prill m8, shadows and dust.

Anti-French Connections

Quote of the moment:
French voters have rejected the European Union's proposed constitution in Sunday's referendum, President Jacques Chirac has said. - BBC News. Hurrah!

I think the origins of the particularly English trait of stubborn independence might perhaps originate from Henry VIII's rejection of the Roman Catholic church. When religion was a powerful controlling force, we split off from outside control and liked it. Having conquered the largest empire in the history of the world (and ignored it in the teaching of history in schools) we probably have a bit of residual "We're badass" in the national psyche too.

My paternal grandmother's considered opinion on Europe, offered last night, was this:

"Well I've never really thought much of the French. The Germans were obviously bad, but when we were getting bombed in Kent what we really thought was 'Why the hell did the French give up so easily?'"

I got an unusual piece of post yesterday, regarding the new Old Felstedian website. It's kind of a mini version of Friends Reunited, but free and intended for mutual benefits of the fiscal variety. Translation: It's the 'Old Boys Network' for the internet generation, allowing for favours and suchlike. Very nefarious.



Finally, in the Terry Pratchett book A Hat Full of Sky there's the opposite of a poltergeist: an ondageist (called Oswald) who is obsessively tidy and will return anything you put down out of place, deliberately or not, to what the spirit considers its actual home. That's my dad spot on.

Doodle a Doddle

Quote of the moment:
The new site seems to be working fairly well and we're still tinkering the user interface to make it even easier to use. With that in mind please note that new Weebl and Bob episodes will be appearing on Weebls-Stuff first and then on the old Weebl and bob Site.

How rude!

Today was a good day to game. I completed all the Arcade League levels on Time Splitters 2 (Jimmy, I own you) and played croquet with Sarah in exchange for helping her with her amusingly easy GCSE maths paper.

For example:

If there are 7 white balls and n yellow balls in a bag and one is picked out, put back and another picked out, what is the chance of pulling out a white one twice when n complies with:

2(n squared) - 35n + 98 = 0

(2n - 7)(n - 14) = 0

n = 14 or n = 3.5

Since you can't have 3.5 balls, there are 14 yellow and 7 white, so the chance of getting 2 white ones is:

1/3 x 1/3 = 1/9

Sarah got stuck on that, despite solving the equation (using x instead of n) in the previous part of the question. Ruined.

Thunderous Applause

Quote of the moment:
"Major-General Peter Gilchrist has been selected to take over the sensitive post of head of the British Defence Staff, Washington, in October." - The Times. That coincides with Britain having the presidency of NATO and should thus be particularly fun.

My granny and my aunt, the General's wife, arrived today to see Music For a Summer Evening. My father is taking my granny home on Monday and staying to DIY for the week. My aunt is going back tomorrow and taking the 18 month old puppy, Nika, with her. She's so skinny she makes Zulu look big:


Nika on the left, Zulu on the right

It was a reasonable evening, although being Kaz m8's escort would have undoubtedly been more fun. I saw Joe O'Connor's twin younger sisters, who look like 13 year old clones of Emma, which was rare!


Sarah taken by suprise, before she could glower

Vicky was in a multiplicity of pieces, but the best was her duet with Jenny Lane, singing German to Jenny's clarinet playing, with Diddly Dave on the piano:


Doesn't Jenny look tall? She was standing on a podium to put her level with Vicky!

There was an extended Thunder drumming session. Highlights included the constant drum switching during the first piece, Will Richards miming to farting sound-effects in the next and the Chrissy Lee/Will R dueting finale, pictured below:



In other news, Big Brother 6 apparently started tonight and The Contender had its first KO. I'll watch BB when they show the fight footage with boxing commentators.

Jay and Silent Boris

Quote of the moment:
Look. Please. I know it is always undignified when a grown man begs, but I woke up recently and had a horrifying thought. I seemed to see Tony in power for another four years. There he was, once again on the steps of Downing Street, with Cherie draped all over him like a flannel, and then the camera zoomed in for the tight head shot, and the look of holy rapture on Blair's face started subtly to mutate, and omigosh, I thought, it's coming, here it comes, here it comes... And aaargh, I thought. This is it.

The lips drew back; the corners of the mouth went up, and there it all suddenly was, that gigawatt dentistry, grinning a smile of luminous and incandescent prime ministerial triumph, like a cross between the Joker in Batman and a sex-crazed chipmunk.

How do I love Boris Johnson? Let me count the ways...

I watched the Champions League replay last night, knowing what the score would be. It's definitely the way forward. The night before I watched Chasing Amy, which is notable for two things:

1. Ben Affleck saying "I know how to settle this. We all have to sleep together".
2. The appearance of the awesome Jay and Silent Bob(my personal hero) as the guys on whom Affleck's cartoon book is based. I was inspired to make a To Pork Watch list:


Silent Bob has the badass beard

1. Clerks, 1994
2. Mallrats, 1995 (check)
3. Chasing Amy, 1997 (check)
4. Dogma, 1999 (check, own VHS)
5. Scream 3, 2000
6. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, 2001
7. The Passion of the Clerks, Pre-production

To Pork Or Not To Pork?

Quotes of the moment:
"Actually, correction, men probably don't suck, but guys suck."
You're damn right. Real men wouldn't do anything so demeaning.

"There was no one else on my "To Pork" list, as Rob m8 would put it."
Sadly there's no-one around to put on mine, apart from Kaz m8. I don't think that would be appreciated.

"I was probably gonna say something esle, but I wanted to go and tell Koel to go and have a wank."
Rob rules. C'est tout.

- Guys Suck Big Time, Bob Wants Pie, 25/5/2005.

Liverpool won the Champions League, despite being the underdogs in the final, the semi-final, the quarter-final and probably the matches before them. They were 3-0 down at half time, but clawed back to 3-3 and won a penalty shoot-out 3-2.

What's that?

AN ENGLISH TEAM WON ON PENALTIES

If only the World Cup started now, we might be able to take that run of luck and actually make it through an international tournament without going out on penalties.

Money, Money, It's What I Want...

Quote of the moment:
Average starting salary for graduates:
1. Medicine, £31,353
2. Dentistry, £26,236
3. Chemical engineering, £21,049
4. Vetinary medicine, £20,765
5. CIVIL ENGINEERING, £19,388
6. Nursing, £19,333
7. General engineering, £19,327
...

- The Times Good University Guide.

Hurrah! Considering that 3 out of 4 above civil engineering are uber-long courses, that's pretty schweet, especially given that unlike, for example, nursing, it keeps rising steadily upwards. My parents didn't believe me when I said I could make decent money as well as my sister! If my knee does pass muster, however, I'll be on £20k for the year of training followed by £24k after commissioning and £30k on becoming a captain, which is possible in 2 1/2 years from the commission date. B4D 4$$ :D

In the photo archives on the Camp Westmont site I recognised Tim, the previous camp-out counselor who was at the stall at the Director's Fair:


"Argh! I'm being swamped by Klingons!"

As you might have been able to tell from the retro title, I watched the classic Wedding Singer last night. Yes indeed, Drew Barrymore is a [prill]FITTIE[/prill] in that film.

The One With The Stick

Quote of the moment:
"Halo! This is random but are u free on friday from about 3 to come with me to a wedding?! Will t was gonna come but now he can't (roll eyes) :p love kaz x" - How rare! Apparently Will T forgot about Music For A Summer Evening and said he could go, but alas, I'm due there to so I can't go and embarras Kaz m8 with my Travolta impressions.

Vicky brought home a couple of photos taken by 'Captain' Lee at the CCF Biennial Review. This one was particularly fine:


Does my bun look big in this?

The marching in the background fills it out rather well, methinks. A rare Chaz success!

This Is How Starwars Dies

Quote of the moment:
"This is how liberty dies. With thunderous applause." - Amidala, Revenge of the Sith. George Lucas may not be a great dialogue writer, but that wraps up a lot of history in one line.

I thought the film wasn't as bad as the critics said, although very heavy on the digital backgrounds, but they were probably judging it against the standards of the original trilogy rather than films in general. The Padme/Amidala and Anakin/Vader subplot was obviously pants, but the epic duel between the newly renamed Darth Vader and Obi Wan Kenobi was brilliant.

On the way out, myself and Jimmy saw some suprising hats on a pair of Cineworld ushers. He was too embarrased to ask the 'fittie' so here's the bloke instead, complete with silly hand movements:


"Can't touch this..."

Jealous, Jim m8, jealous. That should obviously be a World Of Warcraft cap, not a War Of the Worlds one.

We decided on the way home that Yoda looked better as an animatronic puppet, but as I pointed out they'd have had to do the fight scenes like Wallace and Gromit, frame by frame. Cue joint singing of the Wallace and Gromit theme all the way down the dual carriageway. Yoda trivia: he's voiced in all 5 films he appears in by Frank Oz, normally the voice of several of the Muppets.

The most [roll-eyes] worthy moment of the film was this:

Grievious: "...Young Skywalker, I would have expected someone of your reputation to have been... older."
Anakin: "General Grievous, you're shorter that I imagined."

AREN'T YOU A LITTLE SHORT FOR A STORMTROOPER?!

Knock Knock...

Quote of the moment:
"The once gravity-defying features of the computer heroine Lara Croft have been toned down for the new Tomb Raider as the videogame industry seeks to attract more women players to a traditionally male market." - The Times.


When come back, bring artefacts!

Today I did very little, which was awesome. Completed/bettered my score on several Timesplitters 2 levels, mowed the lawn, sat around in the garden reading. Top stuff.

Sing For The Kids? Ok...

Quote of the moment:
What we do not have let us make with an innocence disappear to him with time, him its much judiciously youthful inhabitant never let us waste night on dishes my revenge in 10 in 10 in 10 do not wish to be your more inaccurate key monkey one accident me become to leave rather as to suffer that me to become to be never your key monkey all that time to form damages than you faitessi all it him enemy his friend I become now and then to try to fold under the pressure wind to tear in top in D fine in 10 in 10 in 10 to be wished not to be able your more inaccurate key monkey one accident me become to leave rather than to suffer that me to become its him last key monkey never thing before I do not finish me never wishes more than me can install in one way or another in my head me still to point out jed particularly a word to say to you and all D Scheisse that to come in one way or another with him its thing one that troesten me me its to lock up yet there always and now me its being desired not to be able your more inaccurate key monkey freely one accident me do not become to leave rather that not to suffer that me to become to be never your key monkey to wish it be necessary your key monkey (case inside, case outside) to be wished not to be able inside, case) to be outside wished not to be able your key monkey (case not to want your key monkey being

- Guess the song, Rob style. You don't get the advantage of 'It must be Matt Good', but it's pretty piss easy.

Continuing the lyrics theme, here's the full version of America, Fuck Yeah! from Team America: World Police...

America...
America...
America, FUCK YEAH!
Coming again, to save the mother fucking day yeah,
America, FUCK YEAH!
Freedom is the only way yeah,
Terrorist your game is through cause now you have to answer too,
America, FUCK YEAH!
So lick my butt, and suck on my balls,
America, FUCK YEAH!
What you going to do when we come for you now,
it’s the dream that we all share; it’s the hope for tomorrow

FUCK YEAH!

McDonalds, FUCK YEAH!
Wal-Mart, FUCK YEAH!
The Gap, FUCK YEAH!
Baseball, FUCK YEAH!
NFL, FUCK, YEAH!
Rock and roll, FUCK YEAH!
The Internet, FUCK YEAH!
Slavery, FUCK YEAH!

FUCK YEAH!

Starbucks, FUCK YEAH!
Disney world, FUCK YEAH!
Porno, FUCK YEAH!
Valium, FUCK YEAH!
Reeboks, FUCK YEAH!
Fake Tits, FUCK YEAH!
Sushi, FUCK YEAH!
Taco Bell, FUCK YEAH!
Rodeos, FUCK YEAH!
Bed bath and beyond (Fuck yeah, Fuck yeah)

Liberty, FUCK YEAH!
White Slips, FUCK YEAH!
The Alamo, FUCK YEAH!
Band-aids, FUCK YEAH!
Las Vegas, FUCK YEAH!
Christmas, FUCK YEAH!
Immigrants, FUCK YEAH!
Popeye, FUCK YEAH!
Demarcates, FUCK YEAH!
Republicans (republicans) (fuck yeah, fuck yeah)

And now the new version: Camp America, Fuck Yeah!

Camp America...
Camp America...
Camp America, FUCK YEAH!
Coming again, to play with your little children, yeah,
Camp America, FUCK YEAH!
Backwoods is the only place yeah,
Snotty child your game is through cause now you have to answer too,
Camp America, FUCK YEAH!
So lick my flagpole, and suck my marshmallows,
Camp America, FUCK YEAH!
What you going to do when we come for you now,
it’s the dream that we all share; it’s the hope for tomorrow

FUCK YEAH!

Swimming, FUCK YEAH!
Water Skiing, FUCK YEAH!
Peddle Boats, FUCK YEAH!
Dinghies, FUCK YEAH!
Canoeing, FUCK, YEAH!
Banana Boats, FUCK YEAH!
Beach Volleyball, FUCK YEAH!
Private Lake, FUCK YEAH!

FUCK YEAH!

Soccer, FUCK YEAH!
Tennis, FUCK YEAH!
Baseball, FUCK YEAH!
Softball, FUCK YEAH!
Basketball, FUCK YEAH!
Football, FUCK YEAH!
Roller Hockey, FUCK YEAH!
Weights Gym, FUCK YEAH!
Horse Riding, FUCK YEAH!
Climbing Tower (Climbing Tower) (Fuck yeah, Fuck yeah)

Arts 'n' Crafts, FUCK YEAH!
Wood Work, FUCK YEAH!
Dining Hall, FUCK YEAH!
Snack Canteen, FUCK YEAH!
Infirmary, FUCK YEAH!
Computer Suite, FUCK YEAH!
Cinema, FUCK YEAH!
Bandstand, FUCK YEAH!
Play Ground, FUCK YEAH!
Laundry Service (Laundry Service) (fuck yeah, fuck yeah)

Strictly speaking most camps don't have all that stuff, but mine does and as you can see, I especially like the laundry service.

Armadillo Akhbar!

Quote of the moment:
"I'm quite impressed, I've found I like being me. Me at the moment is pretty ok." - Koel (paraphrased, my memory is t3h suck). How rare!

Just talked to La Podge, which was le fun. She explained her recent doings and the phrase "deep conversation" popped up so much I just had to mock her about it! It's the Podgy equivalent of big knockers, causing weak knees and possible swooning(instead of 'Phwoar's and possible leering). The general idea was probably known to all, but now you can say to Podge, upon her return:

"Look at the deep conversation on that one, eh? Phwoar!"

Well, I'd enjoy saying it anyway. Her phone card ran out though, so I was cut off mid monologue and Rob m8 misses out on the fun, having tried to phone mid-way through our political debate on Iraq and how not to pronounce coffee. I hope however that he's proud of me for saying that the reason the original Starwars trilogy was better was the Luke/Leia incestousness.

New in the "Doesn't Will look a fool?" series, Will models his safety specs with attractive blue trim:


A step up from the porter outfit, surely?


Talking of looking a fool, the Royal Dragoon Guards version of Amarillo, renamed Armadillo, was so popular that it caused email systems at the MoD to crash. What next? A video of 'Camp America - F*** Yeah!' sounds promising...

Finally, the sole evidence of my dad's progress with the 'To Do' list for the last couple of months:



He's taken the shower apart, retiled it and put it back together. Altogether now, the sound of one hand clapping...

Kill Will

Quote of the moment:
"Give yourself to Bob" - The Weebl and Bob that was new three days ago, but which I forgot to mention. They've gone and published another one already. It's quite ridiculous! Fortunately the latest is an awesome Kill Bill spoof, which compensates entirely.

One month left until I leave. Hurrah!

Bum Clouds!

Quote of the moment:
"But I still... haven't found... what I'm looking for..." - U2.

The job's ok, if rather boring. The machine I have to look after cuts various lengths of extruded aluminium (like Playdoh put through the awesome Playdoh Fun Factory) into specific lengths. All I have to do to keep it running is put lengths in, empty the basket of cut bits and take odd samples to check for length. Oh, and remove the first and last bits which are scrap.

Except that about an hour from the end of my shift I forgot to. Having realised after I'd stacked the box on the shelf of completed batches, I had to go back and pick over seven boxes or about 2000 parts, checking both ends for the red X put on the end before inserting it. I finished with 3 minutes to go, having failed to find it. D'oh!

Lo Fagg!

Quote of the moment:
"I Mentioned It Once, But I Think I Got Away With It" - Given the deathly silence, I presume not.

Went for an 'interview' today at AdAl Engineering, the one formerly called WHJ Fagg & Son. Since it was more a case of 'Do you think you can manage? Ok then, can you come in tomorrow?' I obviously 'got the job'. It's a bit more complex a machine than last time I was there, needing setting up and monitoring. There are a couple of other things to watch over too, a machine cleaning the oil off the finished parts and something else, to keep me on my toes, but it should be fine. I'm going back tomorrow at 2.30pm to learn how to set the machine up, so that might be my start time (ending at 11pm) which would keep me in my nightly routine.

Having come out a mere 10 minutes later at 12.10pm, I went to Chelmsford to go swimming. I fitted in 58 lengths before I got kicked out for the cleaners to come in at 2pm, which was quite reasonable. It's a 33m pool, so 60 lengths would be 2km. Perhaps I should go earlier and try to complete my old swimming-lesson towel with a 3000m badge!

I Mentioned It Once, But I Think I Got Away With It

Quote of the moment:


Should I put on my suit and try to stand in the background?!

The second half of the 100 Greatest War Films was on tonight. Very much my cup of ration-pack hot chocolate. I missed the first half because Willy ordered me over to entertain him.

Cool fact about Zulu: In order to balance out the apartheid-era pay difference between white and zulu extras, Stanley Baker (star and producer) gave them the herd of 3,000 cattle used in the film.

What I noticed about it was firstly how many places Ireland doubled as and secondly how many of the films had Dale Dye as a commentator. He's a former US Marine who enlisted as a private and retired as a Captain, making him pretty cool. He then became a military consultant in Hollywood, with cameo appearances in most of the films he advised on. They included:

Platoon
Born on the Fourth of July
Natural Born Killers
Mission Impossible
Starship Troopers
Saving Private Ryan

The last, incidentally, was voted the best war film made thus far, which was obviously deserved for the Normandy beaches opening. The Spielberg/Hanks team (with Dye's assistance) then produced the series ' Band of Brothers ' which, if it counted as a film, would have been a worthy winner itself. It's like 'Ryan' but 10 hour-long episodes, each directed by a different person or pairing. All of them are done in a slightly different way, focusing on individuals, groupings or a common theme, but all are brilliant. The series is about one company in an airborne (paratroop) regiment in WWII, starting with their training and going right through until the atomic bomb ending the war.

It doesn't really star anyone, but the most constant character is Captain Winters, played by Damian Lewis, the man who makes ginger hair credible. Even in ten hours the book isn't done justice, with some of the small facts left out being the most impressive. For example, during the build-up to the invasion their battalion scored 97% on the US Army PT test, the highest ever. That was including the cooks, clerks and all, not just the men in the rifle squads. When the truth of the score was questioned by a senior staff officer, they took it again and got 98%.

Mentioned in Dispatches:

37. Cross of Iron - Awesome anti-officer film
35. The Last of the Mohicans - Soaringly amazing ending
34. Kelly's Heroes - Just funny
33. All Quiet on the Western Front - Classic B+W
29. Battle of Britain - The LOCAL film
26. Ice-Cold in Alex - Beer makes it better
25. Spartacus - I am...
24. Gladiator - ...Maximus Decimus Meridius
22. M*A*S*H - Sex, drugs and combat surgery
21. Where Eagles Dare - Maclean's Gestapo castle
17. Das Boot - Sehr, sehr, sehr, sehr gut.
14. The Guns of Navarone - Maclean's cliff-top fortress
13. Braveheart - Crushes you like a worm
11. The Dam Busters - Keeping it in the family:


I don't know which one is Flt Lt Richard D. Trevor-Roper, DFC, but there's an obvious guess...

9. Black Hawk Down - The chaos, made real
8. Zulu - Not a slack upper lip in sight
7. A Bridge Too Far - All star awesomeness
6. Platoon - Disenchantment expresso
5. Full Metal Jacket - Cool like Eskimo...
4. Schindler's List - Beautiful.

Sex, Drugs & Icecream With Will T

Quote of the moment:
...And if you are a politician, or a journalist, believe me, you find that you are asked endlessly to suck in and then expel information like some undersea coelenterate [n : radially symmetrical animals having saclike bodies with only one opening and tentacles with stinging structures; they occur in polyp and medusa forms]... - Boris Johnson's blog. He is truly awesome.

I am at Will T's house. He too is awesome, because he fed me chicken, chips and chocolate icecream. Unfortunately not all together, but it was still nice.

Since it's a slow day for n00s(or I just haven't been awake for anything else interesting), courtesy of Rob m8:

Comment here and I'll tell you something I adore (or at least mildly like) about you. Afterwards, copy and paste this into your own journal.

Secrets Revealed

Quote of the moment:
I'm for devolution. Wales and Scotland should be given independance and cut off from all subsidies currently paid for by English taxes.

The Scottish Parliament building, for example: half a BILLION quid for a pointlessly ornamented rectangular office block. Cardiff has the Millenium Stadium, the new Welsh Assembly building, the Welsh Opera House and plenty more, all paid for by English taxes. (That's partly why I chose it, because of all of the scrounged benefits!)

If we had total devolution then we could afford to reduce taxes/raise salaries on vital but low paid people such as nurses, teachers, firemen etc.

It would also mean that the disproportionate number of Scottish government ministers would be sent home, which would be plain funny, plus the 'Nationalist' parties could be left to stew in the collasped economies that would be the result of their petty flag waving.

- Me, attempting to stir trouble in a rare serious (and political) debate on the Newstudent forums.

Have I Got News For You's contribution to this week's VE Day celebrations was revealing how Churchill had beaten Hitler:


Hitler always chose paper

Finally, a scoop on why Prill goes manic. Her secret? Lucozade tablets:

Prillo: Nothing Is Sound says: the tablets just make me go WHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Twas Brillig...

Quote of the moment:
"The Bluewater retail and leisure centre in Kent has banned shoppers who swear or wear hooded tops." - BBC News. Caps too. It was probably meant as a security measure, much like making motorcyclists take off their helmets when they go into banks. Besides, it's not even in Essex, but Kent! My parents may be disappointed in their hope of leaving the chavs behind by moving to Broadstairs.

Today I took advantage of the sunny weather to cycle into Felsted and mow the lawn for my grandparents, who are on holiday AGAIN. It's amazing how many holidays they go on... That's what you get for being a consultant, I guess. Medics. BAH.


My lovely sexy monster of an out-sized bike.

It took a mere 20 minutes to reach Elwyn's, which was impressive, but the wind got up on the way home and that took about twice as long.

While I was there with my camera, I photographed my immense structural masterpieces for my portfolio:


The pergola I designed and co-built with my grandpa after GSCE.


The less brilliant birdhouse, cobbled from bits and pieces in the shed after my grandparents envied my CDT-lab effort. That's a vertical photo, by the way.

Upon my return I found that my father had failed to walk Ben, as agreed, so I took him out. I also took the chance to photograph the flowers that have sprung up in the mysterious little netted off area in the wood:


Flowers in the Tulgy Wood.


Orchids might they be, hmmm?

Yarr, Lubbers, The Booty Be Mine

Quote of the moment:
"I'll never be able to have sex, it'll tickle too much" -- Koel Mukherjee, 2004. - A classic comment from the Rob-meister.

Today I was sent to Broomfield to clear out a wing of 3 wards, on top of each other, which is to be demolished soon. It has to be utterly clear before the wreckers attack otherwise the land is officially 'contaminated' and cannot be reused. It was alright, mostly trundling a trolley back and forth to the skip with an occasional spot of sweeping. The canteen/restaurant there does a good fried breakfast too, although obviously not up to Prill's standard.

Since, under the wisdom of the NHS bureacracy, anything duplicated in the new wing, already built and occupied, was left to be skipped, I took some more spoils:


Two mirrors and a handy grid-squared whiteboard


And another, rather larger one

I thought I could make use of the smaller one to write To Do lists on... University assignments that I might otherwise overlook, that sort of thing. My dad was so taken with the large one he wants it for himself. How rude!

The Barber of Babel

Quote of the moment:
"Incest, incest, it's the best, put your sister to the test!" - Even Bart's doing it, so it must be right:


Where's the necklace, eh?

I went for a haircut today, before getting a new set of passport photos...


Alas, poor hair. I was almost at the Boris Johnson stage!

Bit of a disaster, that one. Amazing, too, how shaving makes me look like a more youthful baldy. I'm considering shaving it all off before going to the US, but the kids might get (more) scared.

Our Chief Weapon Is...

Quote of the moment:
"Are you gonna pull those pistols or whistle Dixie?" - Josey Wales (Clint Eastwood) to four Union soldiers.



That would be the film in which, instead of smoking cigars, he chews spit tobacco and every time he spits at someone's feet, they get angry and then get shot. It's kind of inevitable and thus couldn't be stretched to a trilogy, unlike the cigars.

Today I went into Chelmsford to visit my agency. Sadly I don't qualify for the three weeks paid holiday during the refit, so I'm being reassigned. Since I managed to turn up on time to The Waterfront for a month, they sent me for an interview at a firm looking for reliable temps. It was a pretty cool job, assembling cooler covers for British Aerospace equipment, involving mostly nut'n'bolting or screwing pieces together. The distinctive green colour gave away the contractee's identity rather easily, but unlike most of their part I suspect it was for a portable satellite phone battery or something more aggressive of that ilk, because of the strapping that would be attatched last. Whatever, it would be more interesting what with some bits of soldering to be done and the technical drawings to be read.

They didn't show any obvious unhappiness with me, while I managed to mention my future engineering studies and my spankingly good DT A*, so if they can't find anyone to work for longer then I might be taken on for the 6 weeks until I leave, which mean I was sorted. It seemed quite a relaxed place, with most of the assemblers (at benches resembling a quality DT lab with seats) about my age. They also had music playing, which helps pass the time nicely. The downside would be having to be there at 8am, like Jimmy was doing. Alas, poor late nights - I knew them well.

Between going to Bell and getting phoned with the interview time ("as soon as you can drive there") I went shopping. You may have thought I couldn't need anything more, so you'd be spared any more dull pictures of my acquisitions.


Un-pwetty deck-shoes for canoeing & a patriotic non-hacky sack

Nobody expects my Spanish Acquisitions!

Stop This Flag Filth

Quote of the moment:
Rob m8: stop doing the dumb 1876 MIT test, they wont let you in 230 years late
Hulk: *130
Rob m8: eek
Hulk: no wonder you failed

- A prize blunder from Rob m8 last night. Personally I think I could have got into MIT in 1876 on that test, even allowing for the irrelevancy of the last question. Obviously the time limit would be useful to know, but obvious straight away were:

Question Three(Part One):
Hulk says: 64/121 = 8 squared over 11 squared, root = 8/11

Question Four:
Hulk says: 4x6x10 = 240. 240/8 = 30. 30/6 = 5 days

Question Seven:
Hulk says: 1 litre = how many millilitres? 1000
Hulk says: 1 ml = 1cm cubed
Hulk says: 1000 of them in a cube = 10 cm cubed

Question Eight:
Hulk says: 1000, obviously
(especially given that a cubic decimetre is a litre)

After that extravaganza of fun, the news:

William Poyntz, shortly to leave the country, has been sighted cleaning off the small flags that hung in his shed. According to Mr Poyntz's spokesman, these flags are for his jaunt to Pennsylvania. We have obtained an image of the flags, in addition another alledgedly also belonging to Mr Poyntz:


Rule Brittania

This flag filth must be stopped!

I was looking for updates on the Camp Westmont website earlier and decided, since I was bored, to read the '
Why Westmont?' list. Number 19 of 30 was this:

19. Disco-Dancing Center/Karaoke/Movie Theater/Canteen complete with free video games.

Rob was jealous to the max, obviously, then asked me if I was looking forward to Reading in retaliation.

The best reason to go seemed to me, however, to be in the picture at the start:


What a sexy beast, eh?

Another Lexcie Tea-Party

Quote of the moment:
Sir,
Three days ago, in an office on Marylebone Road, I swore an oath and became a British citizen. Where can I go to complain about all the foreigners who come here taking our jobs?

- The Times letters page.

I have a camp countdown that I couldn't be arsed to work out how to remove the year from. Go me. Go me in 6 weeks and 14 hours, in fact.

I went into work today and was only there for about 2 and a half hours, clearing out the kitchen completely - all the stacks of crockery, then all the ovens, shelves, coolers and worktops into the event hall. The scheduled refit, which there was supposed to be an all-staff meeting about tomorrow night, has been moved forward to be immediate, so the whole place will be closed while the kitchen is completely redone and the rest updated. This means all the staff get time off while being paid out of the insurance money, possibly including me even though I'm an agency worker. That would be awesome: about three weeks of paid holiday!

All the food had to be scrapped because of Food Hygiene standards, but it's mostly fine to eat, having been in cupboards at the time. We stacked it out by the bins and rescued some of it later to take home. During this re-enactment of the looting of Baghdad, I retrieved a tray of eggs, a Harvest Festival style box of assorted fruit'n'veg and a sack of potatoes:


Potato potato potato... with me for scale


Oooh... kinky!

Sarah's still at school doing something dull, but the rest of us went to tea with my grandparents this afternoon. My uncle, aunt and cousin were there too, with their new family car. They must be planning on more kids, judging by their massive Chelsea Tractor:


Hasta La Vista, asshole!

It comes complete with a very fine personalised numberplate:


Lexcie & Sarah O'Gorman

I took loads of pictures again, including this rare one with both sets of eyes open:


Guess what Terrance, I farted!

Tori then took control of the camera:


Pull my finger, Philip!

Finally, a very cute video of Lexcie at her gurgling best.

Fire In The Disco... Fire In The Taco Bell

Quote of the moment:
"EVERYBODY OUT!" - Chef.

There was a fire at work today! Around 6.40pm something inside the central dividing partition in the kitchen apparently exploded (although not with a great bang) and smoke started billowing through the building. Everyone had to go stand in the carpark, customers and staff. We also had to be ticked off on the staff list. At first I thought it was just the pizza oven again, because it smokes if the wood isn't dry enough. Obviously not.

Two fire engines turned up right after the list was finished and another a minute later. Ten minutes later another one came with a huge extending ladder on top, which was totally superfluous, and after another fifteen minutes yet another one arrived! Five fire-engines for one measly burning stove, out of a total of seven in Chelmsford, I think. At least, that's how many doors there are on the fire station!

After we'd sat in the carpark for about an hour and the customers had gone home (eventually including the pair who brought out their glasses, wine and icebucket) we had to go back into the event hall to clear out the decorations from the 'Back to School' disco which was supposed to be on tonight, along with all the cutlery and crockery which would need cleaning. Ditto both restaurant floors, then the waiting staff disappeared home and the kitchen staff had to clear out every bit of exposed food or ingredients from the kitchen and bin it. There was so much that the sauce was slick on the yard floor and Zulu licked my boots clean when I got home.

Since the fire had exposed and melted holes in the water pipes, the sinks were unusable. The restaurants are shut tomorrow and only the wedding buffet in the evening is still on, since it doesn't require cooking, but I'm going to be in for the daytime shift as scheduled, cleaning up all the pots, pans, tubs and tools from today. What fun! The senior chefs are doing the buffet and dividing the juniors between scrubbing the walls and acting as porters for the day. Some of them actually volunteered to help wash up the stuff which the food will have dried on overnight. Suckers. Sunday's hopefully a day off while they replace the entire wood-and-tile partition with a steel panelled one.

In other news, my flight details arrived from Camp America today:

From: London Heathrow
To: Newark International, New Jersey.
19th June
Virgin Atlantic Flight # 1
Check in 13.00
Depart 16.00

SIX WEEKS TO GO! HELL YEAH!

Election 2005

Quote of the moment:
Brooks Newmark, Conservative, 23,597
Alan Hurst, Labour, 19,704
Peter Turner, Liberal Democrat, 7,037

Brooks Newmark, the Conservative candidate that I voted for, won a convincing victory and is off to Parliament for the first time:



The similarity in hairstyle is purely incidental to my support. In Cardiff, where I will be spending rather more of my time over the next electoral term, the Liberal Democrats took Cardiff Central from Labour, winning with a pretty impressive 49.8%:



Jenny Willott will also be heading to Westminster for the first time and the Liberal Democrats as a whole took several Labour scalps in marginal and far from marginal seats, which was awesome.

In other areas, I was impressed by the Lib Dem's holding Brent East, Dr Richard Wyre, the Kidderminster Hospital candidate, holding Wyre Forest. I was disappointed by George Galloway's narrow win in Bethnal Green and Bow, because he seems a lying git to me. It's a shame that the Telegraph could produce no evidence to prove their story of him being in the pay of Saddam, but it's probably in the archives of paperwork taken by the coalition forces somewhere.

Due to the vagaries of the British system of seats, Labour has won a large majority in terms of seats, they had only 36% of the vote to the Tory 33%. That is the lowest amount of the vote for any British government ever since democracy began, with the previous low being 40%. When you consider the number of people who didn't vote, Tony Blair only has the backing of about a quarter of the nation. That's not exactly impressive. Proportional representation should just have leapt up the agenda.

A VERY Happy Birthday To Sarah

Quote of the moment:
"Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable." - John F. Kennedy

As I mentioned yesterday, the CCF Biennial Inspection was today and my dad went to watch. During the parade at the start, as is customary, the visiting General walked up and down the ranks 'meeting the troops'. This year the Yr 9 have been included in the CCF for the summer term in a 'Junior Leaders' company. Since a similar representative number of them paraded too, there were at least 40 kids there and the General decided to talk to every single one of them properly. Since the weather was overcast and rather humid, by the end of the parade on the Front there were 5 fainters!

Sarah was a known danger so she was placed on the front corner. Once the General had moved to the row behind her Major Eke sidled over, took her rifle and got her to wiggle her legs and arms while still standing to attention, because she was starting to sway. Unfortunately for the others they weren't so accessible. One other was swaying and had to step back and brace before standing back in line. One crumpled in place. A Junior Leader fell flat backwards to be caught by the person behind, but the most impressive according to my dad was Ed Hutley, another Yr 11 like Sarah, who lasted to the end but when ordered to fall out, got half way through the right turn and fell flat on his face.

Mr Christmas hadn't missed out on the fact that it was Sarah's birthday, so at the final parade her name was called out and she had to march up to the General's podium to be presented with a birthday cake. How awesomely embarrasing.

Victoria sent me a video she found while looking for something to talk to the visiting General about:

My Uncle In Afghanistan

There isn't a blood relationship, despite the way he seems to approach public speaking like me! It must be camera shyness because he's normally far more confident, if equally posh and plummy.

In other, obviously minor news: the elections. I voted for the Liberal Democrats for the local council elections and Conservative for the general election, due to the reasons given two days ago. Local issues are the way forward, methinks.

Happy Birthday Sarah

Quote of the moment:
"Attention, people of Earth. I regret to inform you that in order to make way for the new hyperspace express route, your planet has been scheduled for demolition. Have a nice day." - The Hitchhiker's Guide, again.

Paddy has updated with masses of pictures, including him on top of the Mystery Machine:


One of the pesky kids

He phoned especially to let me know, while attempting to walk back to his hotel/hostel in Sydney. I suspect alcohol was involved, because he was about to try and climb over the gate into the Botanic Gardens to take a shortcut and he has just told me on Messenger that they ended up swimming around the fence where it touches the edge of the Harbour!

Sarah came home tonight in advance for her birthday presents in the morning. On the day she turns 16 she has the joy of the CCF Biennial Inspection complete with parade and visiting general, an English mock and the Ascension Day chapel service this evening. She brought with her my camera and phone from Mr Thorne, so I can provide a short but exotic video for you:

Jim's Joystick

I'm seeking claimants for a T-shirt that, the current hypothesis is, was left here after the party:



Update on Zulu

My dad and I picked him up this morning from the vet. He's rather stiff and walks slowly and carefully, but he's eager to get going and was very miffed when he was left out of the walk today. While we were at the vet's we were shown the X-rays taken last night and in the abscence of any breaks or fractures, the main feature pointed out to us was the bulging and packed stomach!

My parents stocked up on some more dogfood this afternoon and came home with a commiseration present for Zulu: his own bed. It's similar to Ben's but unchewed and black. After initial suspicion he vacated Ben's blue bed for his own new one and now seems very pleased with it.

Zulu's Battered Bum

Quote of the moment:
From the Dunmow Daily Blow:

"It has recently been reported that number of teenage delinquents (three to be exact) have begun to behave in a most ungracious manner. Revving up the power in the fecund Ford Kas (TM), a number of gangs of said delinquents have begun to attempt to, in the words of a member of the Classic FM Hoodlums, "spread the word of a music of love and peace, man". However, far from doing something appropriate, such as promoting Naxos CDs, they are, in fact, blasting out renditions of hardcore classical music hits through their car steros at peak volumes. Moreover, they do this in cul-de-sacs where everyone is at sleep. The police have so far declined to comment, but a local called them "bastards". One old man is in hospital after one Ka pulled up next to him whilst blasting out classical music of the Romantic genre. The local hospital says he is in a critical condition, suffering from Motes Arse. To have your say on the "three twats in a car playing classical music at one in the morning phenomenon", call this number...."

- taken from Newspaper Clippings by Mr William Thorne.

I forgot all about that bit... It must have been the sugar overload from the cinema sweets. Ooops. I think ASBO's are in order for all occupants of the vehicle.


The mysterious other man in Prill's life is revealed...

In addition to admiring the student emphasis in this well-composed photograph given by the unmade bed in the background, I'm curious about why that's MugPrill8, when there's no 5, 6 or 7 available online. Can we see them, or are they unsuitable for such a young and innocent audience?

I'm very disappointed that, in their high-speed dashes around marginal constituencies, no party leaders have visited Braintree. It's supposed to be the second most marginal Labour seat in the country, with Alan Hurst beating Brooks Newmark by 358 votes. Since Mr Newmark is said by The Times to be a future main player of the Conservative Party, I'm tempted to let him have a go. Before you slap me, the 2001 votes went thus:



It's pretty clear, having seen that and the similar table from 1997, is that the two main parties are very close and the Lib Dems are a distant third.

Now the sports headlines: Liverpool beat Chelsea to scrape through to the Champions League final. Personally I reckoned Chelsea had a much better chance of winning the final, probably against AC Milan, and thus it should have been Goliath that won.

Zulu Hit By Car

In news rather closer to home, while I was typing that earlier, Zulu started barking in the garden. I went to the dining room window to see him scrabbling at the gate, so I went out of the front door to see what he was after, thinking it must be a delivery man(they often drop parcels behind the gate). Sadly not. Zulu was barking at a family walking along the far side of the road. He ran through the house, shot through the open door and ignored my yells to charge across the road to see them. Nothing was coming along the road right then, but my dad came through from the garden after him and Zulu looped around the family then headed back towards the door.

As he stepped off the pavement he was hit from behind. Fortunately the car had slowed down after seeing him cross the road, so he wasn't sent flying, but he was knocked back onto the pavement and when my dad got to him he was thrashing about and bit my dad's arm when he picked him up. Meanwhile Ben ran out because Zulu was howling and I had to chase him around the junction in my dressing gown.

While my dad phoned the vet for an advance warning and my mum to let her know, I waited with Zulu in the car. He was very quiet and just sat still, snuggling up to my shoulder. I drove to the vet with my dad cradling him in the back and he's staying overnight, but the x-rays have come back clear, he's apparently standing up and quite perky, although dopey from the painkillers. His bum's probably quite bruised too!

Skid Marks

Quote of the moment:

Start here and go up...

I thought the excitement of being driven by Jim might have got lost in the previous post (and I was bored) so that might explain it better. Fortunately nothing came around the corner in the opposite direction until we had started driving back slowly to inspect the skid marks on the road.

Alas, the Harlequins, my favourite rugby team back when I took an interest in such things, in the glory days of Will Carling, have been relegated from the Rugby Premiership after a close-fought 23-22 defeat.

This is post 250, by the way. Hurrah!

The GameCube Guide To The Galaxy

Quote of the moment:
"So long and thanks for all the fish" - The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy.

Today I went into work, only to discover that due to some sort of cock-up the 4 people scheduled to work today were joined by the 2 new agency workers who both started this week and had been told they would work Sunday by the agency. I pointed out the two man surplus to the Chef and he asked if I wanted the day off. Given that I've worked 9 days out of the last 10, I said yes!

I took advantage of this gifted day off to go to Will T's with Jim, play some Cube and then head to the cinema. There was also some Fifa 2004, after which Jim posed with the vibrating joystick on his lap. I did have my camera but forgot to bring it home with me. Supper was provided, as ever, by the excellent Thorne Restaurant Ltd and was super, thanks for asking. It was followed by some real, non-electronic football in the garden, with Thorne Bros United winning on the penalty shoot-out after the match ended suddenly with Edward getting put to bed when he screamed too much at my retaliation to his grass throwing. Oops. In addition to that overexuberance, when discussing Mission Impossible at supper and how it had spawned xXx etc, I said "I bet there were a lot of porn versions of THAT film". Cue silence and stifled grins, enter tumbleweed stage left.

On the way to the cinema, with me in the back and Will T beside him, Jim was getting a bit overexcited and was wiggling down the road. He then started turning a slight bend and I told him to put both hands on the wheel. As he turned around to reply (the fool) the wheel slipped somewhat and we swerved towards the verge, then away and around in a long skid (starting at 40mph plus) that ended with the car sideways across the road. It was pretty cool, although I didn't feel that way until I'd finished staring at the hedge getting closer through the back window.

The Hitchhiker's Guide was pretty cool, although Jim's chief impression seemed to be how hot Zooey Deschanel is. Strange name. Anyway, as with Lord of the Rings I saw the film(s) before reading the book, so I was spared the disappointment of "Oh, they left that out/changed that/made that up", although it was at least a Douglas Adams script/screenplay.

On the way out we picked up some posters for The League of Gentlemen's Apocalypse, for which we saw a very promising trailer. There was also one for Kingdom of Heaven, but according to Will T:

"its far to curtailed, with litle back story development and nary a training montage in site" (sic)

I laughed partly at the bad spelling but mostly at the idea of a Ridley Scott medieval training montage, as per A Knight's Tale.

After that we went back, gamed some more and Jim and I had a sit-ups contest. No prizes for guessing who was the tortoise and who was the hare, but I did keep going for two minutes to his one and, probably from the competitive edge, managed 34 situps in the first minute and a new PB of 60 in 2 minutes. Hurrah!

I Killed Kenny

Quotes of the moment:
Marge: This is the worst thing you've ever done.
Homer: You say that so often that it lost its meaning.

Homer: You don't like your job, you don't strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

Homer (sung to the Flintstones song): Simpson! Homer Simpson! He's the greatest guy in history. From the, Town of Springfield! He's about to hit a chestnut tree!

Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I'm proud of you! I was twice your age when I figured that out.

- Yes, I found a Simpsons quote site. Hurrah!

While reaching under a metal bench to get some dirty pans, I pressed my arm against the lip of the bench-top. Unfortunately the bench-top was touching the flash-pan cooker top next to it and was thus rather hot:



D'oh! The picture's a bit out of focus, but it's blistered up nicely. Silly me.

The honour of being the official 'Crazy Russian' has been seized by a new arrival called Zoltan. He's actually a chef, not a porter, and is built entirely of muscle. Last night, on his first shift here, he challenged everyone he met to an arm wrestling match. It was fortunate that I dodged out, because he was consequently renamed Arnold for slamming down fast enough to cause bruised knuckles.. Tonight he decided that he would make me his 'special friend' by bringing all sorts of lovely presents to me, i.e. every single crap-covered item he could find. To add to his Crazy Russian aura he has killer-blue Mr Blonde eyes. He would be scary if he wasn't wearing a daft chef's uniform.

Lastly, I have had a Money Spider living in my laptop keyboard:



I was going to name him Arnold, but perhaps Kenny would have been more appropriate. Oh my God...