Mmmmm... PIE

Quote of the moment:
"In species where females are harlots, males also have enormous testicles." - Dr Tatiana's Sex Advice To All Creation, coming to Channel 4 on Monday, meaning I miss it. Damnation.

Today's fun and games involved the car having a flat battery. It was duly jump started so that I could drive to work but died away again such that, while able to turn on the lights and play the radio, I couldn't get the engine started. I thus had to call out my parents with the jump leads, at 2am.

At work I decided to use the unclaimed wankwalk-o-meter that I found on Wednesday to measure my exertions. While at work I apparently walked 3400 steps, which in the kitchen probably translates to about 2000m. Hurrah!

There was a surplus of chocolate tart (PIE!) such that we had two whole ones between the 4 porters. I ended up bringing home 4 slices for the family, because otherwise I'd have been forced to eat them all:



That would have been purely to stop them being wasted, obviously.

Short Shorts

Quote of the moment:
Had first exam yesterday. went quite well, apart from put wrong title on it. - Will T. Bless... what a fool.

Shopping in Chelmsford this afternoon produced a sleeping bag liner from Black's (having pulled it upside down over my head to look like a ghost while checking it fitted my shoulders) and a couple of pairs of shorts from Matalan to strike off my packing list. I also saw three out of five of the Russians, all separately and two with another Russian each. Somewhere there must be a building full of them, probably with a huge store of vodka.


Left: £4 cheapos. Right: £16 tougher pair with pocketssess.


The sleeping bag liner.

I had a random little notion while driving home: in addition to the full-size Union Jack I'm packing for Independance Day, I should find the little Jolly Roger from my childhood holidays in Scotland and fix it to my canoe in America, pour encourager les enfants:



It would also give me an excuse to say "YARRRR!" lots.

Portering Pachyderms

Quote of the moment:
Hup two three four
Keep it up two three four
Hup two three four
Keep it up two three four
Company sound off!

Ho, the aim of our patrol
Is a question rather droll
For to march and drill
Over field and hill
Is a military goal!
Is a military goal!

Hup two three four
Dress it up two three four
Hup two three four
Dress it up two three four

By the ranks or single file
Over every jungle mile
Oh we stamp and crush
Through the underbrush
In a military style!
In a military style!

Hup two three four
Keep it up two three four

(Reprise)

Oh, we march from here to there
And it doesn't matter where
You can hear us push
Through the deepest bush
With a military air!
With a military air!

We're a cracker jack brigade
On a pachyderm parade
But we'd rather stroll to a water hole
For a furlough in the shade!
For a furlough in the shade!

- Colonel Hathi's March, The Jungle Book.

Given that I'm going to need to sing with the kiddiwinks as we walk out to the camping area, I thought I should learn that.

Last night I managed 50 situps in (the standard Army test time of) 2 minutes. Given that the requirement is 40, that's cause for a hurrah! This was achieved while watching Basil The Great Mouse Detective. Heard of it? Probably not, yet it is a Disney film, just a niche, cultish six-year-old-film-buffs-only one. Perhaps it was the start of my geek aspirations spotting the Dumbo toy in the toyshop scene.

Today I went on an extended dog walk with my dear mother, carrying a rucksack packed with 3 sleeping bags. An easy start to get me into the habit of it: both good for me and good practise for probably having to carry everything for the kiddies on the way to the campsite. Hurrah! Cue Prill style hyper moment: I CAN'T WAIT to go to America... It's going to be SO COOL. Ummm... tea... TEAAA!

[Would fetch tea if it wasn't disgusting filth]

I'm back. HEHEHE! I'm SO excited!

Yeah... back to cynical Will. For your delight and mockery I got an extra set of uniform and brought it home so I could take a piccy:



Look at the meat on those forearms. It would be pretty obvious who to eat in the event of a plane crash in the Andes!

My Fair Donkey

Quote of the moment:
"It is the on!" - New Weebl and Bob: Joust 2. It's AWESOME! :D

I forgot to mention last night that I saw a couple of foxes on the way home, which was quite cool, and one in the same place tonight. Their road crossing skills were rather better than the terrier which was running about in the middle of the A131 in rush hour, having escaped from a car in a layby. I swerved around it and didn't hear a crunch or see anything in the mirrors but I reckon it must have got flattened.

I also omitted to mention the previous night's post-blog activities, which involved wight training while watching Lady and the Tramp. Having tried it with Beauty and the Beast, I have discovered that Disney films are the ideal length, the songs help with the rhythm of the reps and I still know all the words. Go me!

Obviously, given the opening paragraph, I ended up having to go into work. It was even slower than last night, so I had my earliest finish yet at 11.30pm. Nonetheless, it interrupted my gaming plans again! Arse fez! I work Wednesdays as well, so no gaming night until Thursday. Damn, damn, damn, damn...

Blessed is the Beret

Quote of the moment:
"Blessed are the geeks, for they shall inherit the earth."

I rolled out of bed around 2pm and hit the gaming after lunch, intending to waste my day off as lazily as possible. Unfortunately at 4.25pm I got a phonecall from Bell saying that they needed me at work to fill in for their other agency guy there, starting at 5pm. Bums. At 6pm a new guy turned up who was apparently his proper replacement, so there were 4 porters for a slow night and I got paid for very little exertion. Hurrah! Hopefully I can persuade Bell that I don't need to go in tomorrow, as they asked me to, since I do actually quite fancy being a slob for a day. I'm obviously not slobbish any other time.

I've just re-cropped a photo for a Faceparty profile so that it'd have the right dimensions:



Alas, my cheeks are rather more chubby now. At least the hair difference is covered by the beret!

Eating For The Whole Hive

Quote of the moment:
Will:

How rude! You should have shared your gum with him intraoscularly :p

Rob:

...

[googles]

ok, this time even google doesn't know what you are talking about. The best it could do was: intraocular, meaning, injected into the eyeball. Now maybe that was what you meant, I really, really don't know.

Will:

I made it up, obviously... it seemed right at the time! Having looked it up:

Osculum is the Latin for kiss, thus the straightforward meaning would be 'between kisses'. However, since the root of osculum is 'os, oris' (as in oriface), the more poetic translation would be 'between mouths while kissing'.

Damn, it feels good to be a geekster.

- Comments on Anna's latest effort. Proof that I could be a Latin teacher, any day (with the assistance of Google). I love the idea of injections into the eyeball though.



How to die like a man ME, by Maddox.

Spent over an hour today 'sweeping' the back yard of the restaurant. I did actually sweep for a while, but mainly I was out there because otherwise I would be inside doing nothing and attracting attention to the fact that four people aren't needed to man the sinks just for Sunday lunch. The Russians just stand around doing nothing until they see/hear the Chef approaching, then launch into a hive of activity re-cleaning the stuff they cleaned last time he went through!

RIP John Mills, best known to me as the star of my favourite black-and-white film, Ice-Cold In Alex In other film news, Kingdom of Heaven has been criticised by Islamic fundamentalists, obviously, since it depicts heroic crusaders, but according to the Muslim Council of Britain its inaccuracy is in the overly generous depiction of the Arab leader Saladin!

Cakes & Crustacean Copulation

Quote of the moment:
"That means Lindsay Lohan (in Mean Girls, when she said that 'the limit does not exist') knows more maths than I do. Ouch, that hurt." - Poor, poor Lexcie.

Tonight at le Waterfront there was a big wedding reception in the event hall, which produced a vast amount of surplus food including some excellent lamb, yellow pepper and courgette kebab stick items, which I removed the nasty, dirty, spiteful courgettessess from and wolfed down. A ridiculous 3 whole platters of them came back, about 60 kebabs (along with an estimated 250 returned sandwiches) so naturally I had about 10. I've stopped my mother from leaving supper out for me to heat up, because I'm getting fat enough already. Hurrah for free food!

The couple had done a Prill on the cake front, going for one big flat, white icing and fruitcake traditonal one, and a kids chocolate one which was much smaller but tiered like a classic wedding cake, festooned with Haribo and a pair of red jelly hearts on top, stuck back-to-back with melted chocolate. There was also a ring of those twisted marshmallows around the edge of the plate. It was so awesome I needed my camera like Paula Radcliffe needed to piss during the London Marathon.

Today's prize for being a crazy Russian went to Bokhar, for fishing two king prawns out of a pan he was cleaning and simulating mid-air prawn sex.

Geekdom

Quote of the moment:


- Postsecret, courtesy of Rob "He-who-finds-anything-cool-online" Quill. Sure to trigger ecstacies of anger in Jim at all the emo-goth-manic-depressives (entertaining in itself) but it also contains some gems like that featured above.

Blogger crapped up yesterday and thus prevented me posting this:

Day off. Did nothing meaningful at all. Liked it.

I thought it had a certain succinct quality to it.

Prill's nod to the awesomeness of the Poyntz-Ward house challenge pairing reminded me of the all-OxfordUniversity Challenge semi-final between Balliol and Corpus Christi. Balliol retook the lead in the last few minutes following a closely fought contest, but blatantly deserved it more because of their obvious geek status. Balliol's pitiful "guy in strange haircut" combined with a rugby-chap captain and A GIRL (how rare!) left them trailing behind Corpus Christi by miles. Corpus' impressive lineup included one "Nehru suit", one ginger toff and two others also so odd they must have waltzed through their interviews with ease.

This, incidentally, involves my theory that the more like a reclusive geek you look, the better you fair at Oxbridge interviews(for geek subjects anyway), as born out by Roskelly of St Hilda's. Yup, that link does confirm the almost universal truth that someone with no chin, bat ears, cropped hair and glasses must be a lesbian. When I told Sarah she must be, she accused me of prejudice so I googled to vindicate my chauvanistic wiles.

Google - sponsoring the KKK since Good Ol' Boys learned to count. Once Jim has been sworn in as Grand Dragon of the new London Chapter, he could advocate a change to the more modern K3. After all, who says the Klan hates modernism?!

Back to my original theme: Bonus points should be awarded for geekness, after all 8 players are ranked in geek order on Millionaire style voting handsets. After this any geek answering a full set of bonus questions on their own adds their score to the team's total. If only it were on ITV, eh?

6 Degrees Of Kevin Bacon

Quote of the moment:
Sita to Rob Q: “I haven’t seen you for ages, what have you been doing?”
Rob Q: “Having a wank”

That's the first site that pops up if you google Rob+Quill+Warwick, due to the number of Rob quotes in there. Awesome. (His blog is second).

Today at work was so interesting that, while doing yet more washing up, I decided to play '6 degrees of Kevin Bacon'. For those that don't already know, it's based on the idea that everyone in the world can be linked together by 6 (or fewer) personal connections, for example:

I am obviously related to my father,
My father was in the same regiment as Will Carling (before rugby turned pro),
Will Carling had an affair with Diana, Princess of Wales,
She had a son called William.

That's 4 connections from this William to that William.

In the Kevin Bacon version, you have to link him to another actor or actress by common films. TV shows are allowed, but only if both persons had a regular part and not a cameo. Thus, in the one that took me longest this evening:

Joaquim Phoenix was in Signs with Mel Gibson,
Mel Gibson was in The Patriot with Heath Ledger,
Heath Ledger was in 10 Things I Hate About You with Joseph Gordon-Levitt,
Joseph Gordon-Levitt was in 3rd Rock From The Sun(TV) with John Lithgow,
John Lithgow was in Footloose with Kevin Bacon.

Remember kids, don't try this at home unless you're that special creature, the bored geek.

Hell's Kitchen

Quote of the moment:
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Extreme
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Extreme
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante's Inferno Test

Looks like a fairly good peak there, if plotted as a graph. Yes, that is the geekish way my mind works. I rule. When I saw Vince's results I thought "How anomalous!". I then promptly forgot what "That A word meaning a mistake on a graph" was. Thanks Prill. [Looks embarrassed]

Having gone to bed at 7am, I got up around 5pm on Monday and have been awake ever since. It's the Will equivalent of the all-nighter: the all-dayer, getting up at the start of Monday evening and planning to go to bed somewhere near the end of Tuesday night/start of Wednesday morning. Hurrah. I was actually planning to go to bed quite early, but then around 5pm I got a call saying I was needed at work at 6pm, because someone else wouldn't be able to turn up. Hurrah again. More money in the bank, and it was a slow night so I didn't really do that much.

In other news, The Russians Are Coming, the Russians Are Coming is just about to start on TV, so I'm off to see in detail what caused my mother's family to yell the above slogan all the way down the routes nationales whenever they went on holiday, and us grandchildren to be led in doing so by our (slighty mad) grandpa whenever he took us anywhere. That's what being a pathologist does to you.

ISS98 Complete - Only 7 Years Late

Quote of the moment:
"Pranksters in the southern Russian city of Krasnodar altered the looks of a Lenin statue by pulling a halloween-type rubber mask like that used in the horror movie Scream over the revolutionary’s face." - Mosnews.com



Thanks to Jim for his Rasputin's Penis story which linked to that.

I decided to have a quick game of ISS98 before heading to bed around 2am. I managed a straight run of only playing each game once to make it to the final of the World Cup, but then got stuck. Brazil repeatedly defeated me, but last night's off-chance attempt destroyed them 4-1. Mwahahaha!



Some impressive statistics from the list that popped up afterwards: 18 yellow and 2 red cards in the 7 games, and an awesome average of 9 fouls per game. Playing dirty is obviously the way forward. In case I was on a roll I started the 'International league'. I was - it ended after sunrise at 7am.

Podgy Poyntz

Quote of the moment:
"Sorry guys, the boiler won't light and I can't get a plumber til Monday." - Pete the bodger (handyman).

All washing up today had to be done with cold water (though the dishwashers did manage to heat their own water). It was great, really. Lots and lots of scrubbing of anything remotely sticky. At least lunch was a slight recompense: rack of lamb with yorkshire puddings, potato dauphinoise and leeks, plus some roast spuds just because they're awesome. When I returned home I had pot-roast beef with mashed potato, carrots and parsnips. What a handy coincidence that my belly is ample enough to accomodate both!

Amazon has bought a small-batch book publishing firm, so people can send their books as a document to be published and sent to them. Handy for Podgy's first novel or poetry anthology.

Having googled Poyntz to see if I came up anywhere prominent (I didn't) I discovered the following:

The Poyntz Arms - My pub, which I'll have to visit some time.

Poyntz Pass - My Irish estate, complete with my ruined castle.

Sydenham Poyntz - My mercenary ancestor.

Family history - of interest to Podgy (and probably only Podgy) again.

Prill Makes Me Shake At The Knees

Quote of the moment:
"I've been told it's quite sexy" - Prillo:



I've been told it's quite scary, really - by me.

Finished work at 1.30am tonight. That actually felt early. Something must be wrong with me.

My knee, which I omitted to mention was being a proper bastard last night, mostly behanved itself. Last night I had to knock up an in-field icepack, from a rubber glove and icecubes intended for champagne buckets, and apply it and another four in the same night. Tonight I only required one, and then only briefly. The painkiller I took before going tonight might have swayed the balance somewhat, though it could only have lasted the first 4 hours. I think it's due to carrying boxes of dirty plates and cutlery down the stairs all the time, so if it continues I'll have to quit and ask for a new placement. How unhandy!

Any Blogger comments/kr3w posts in the name of Will are not mine from now on. I thought it would help Prillo out if I changed, since she seems to get confused regularly. As I'm in a considerate mood, to lessen Emma's confusion I have created a LiveJournal account, which took a while because my chosen passwords were repeatedly rejected. I can see why Andy moved.

Are You Gonna Bark All Day, Little Doggy?

Quote of the moment:
"Well I don't know why I came here tonight..." - Stuck In The Middle With You by Stealer's Wheel.

I was again scheduled to be working from 6pm til 11pm. Tonight I didn't leave until 2am. Hurrah. It did mean I only had to park up for about 15 minutes while Vicky dragged Lauren Bones, her co-joint-head-of-house, out of Dukes. Lauren managed to survive all the way home before throwing up behind the garage while I was putting the car away. Hopefully Zulu won't try to eat it tomorrow!

There was a 'banquet' going on in the hall at Waterfront Place today, so the kitchen was pretty hectic while the food was being served with double the normal flow of waitresses. On the plus side, once the DJ had started up and the dessert cleared, we could hear the cheese-fest music quite clearly through the wall. The spare chocolate tart type pudding went down a treat (I restricted myself to a mere 4 slices) but the highlight of the evening was definitely Stuck In The Middle With You being played.



I couldn't resist doing the Mr Blonde shuffle as I went back and forth putting plates on shelves. The Russians were confused, but one of the waiters joined in when he was bringing in some dirties from the restaurant!

Stand-Up America

Quote of the moment:
Too many to mention here, so they're scattered throughout. For humour value now, I went the whole shift yesterday night with my flies undone under my apron. D'oh!

I went to the Camp America Orientation meeting this evening in the University of London Union. It was ok: rather long, at 3 hours, but I was sitting next to a rather captivating young lady called Natalia (no russian accent, Jim) who's a first year economics student at the College of St Hild and St Bede at Durham University. In addition to that recompense, the guy taking it was quite a jester. He started off by making the 4 others with him (1 guy and 3 girls) introduce themselves - they're all Camp America employees who started off going on the programme themselves. When it got to him, he deadpanned the classic:

"Hi, I'm Alan and I'm an alcoholic."

Following that stirling start, he explained that he was from Brooklyn and thus spoke like a Hollywood gangster:

"I live on thoighty-thoist and thoid street."

Apparently this is rife amoung kids in camps around New York and may well be contagious, leading to counsellors returning home talking like this. Argh!

We (about 300 students) were split into 6 groups to come up, between ourselves, with a spokesperson, 4 questions for them to ask and a song for us to sing one verse & chorus of! We chose Is this the way to Amarillo?, naturally. I'm pretty sure the guy who nominated himself as loudmouth spokesman was about 5 ahead of me at the Camp Director's Fair. Anyway, the groups had to sing their song before sending up their spokesperson to the microphone, then Alan took the questions and got supplementary questions from his panel of 4. Some of his answers were quite entertaining:

On what to pack, the subject wandered from insect repellants to dealing with animals. The worst threat is apparently skunks! Snakes etc are rare, especially in the north where I am, but skunks can make their targets stink for at least 2 weeks: not great for counsellors, highly detrimental to campers enjoying their summer as it ends to lead to them being avoided by everyone. If the tail goes up the advice is to run, picking up kids on the way if necessary!



On visas:

"The DS157 is the 'are you a terrorist?' form, and is only for men. For some reason the Pentagon thinks girls can't be terrorists! Prove the sexists wrong, girls: blow something up!"

On the wandered-off subject of communicating with Americans:

"This programme's purpose is to make Americans aware that there are other countries like theirs. Otherwise if we aren't bombing it, we don't know about it!"

Some classic communication difficulties:

"If you ask for fags, you get the Village People!"

"If you tell your boys to put on their jumpers, they'll think you want them to wear girls skirts!"

"I had a British girl running the art and crafts, who put on her supplies request form '50 rubbers'. I thought she was planning some weird sex education piece!"

"If you get mad at an American colleague, you should call them a wanker. That word doesn't exist in the U.S. vocabulary, so they have been known to say thank you!"

On the topic of improving international relations, on Alan's first year of being a counsellor the British counsellors, having put up with the (good natured) teasing leading up to Independance Day on the 4th of July, decided to take their revenge on the day. They got up at 6am, raised a Union Jack (prepared in the art and crafts room) on the flag pole, cut the rope and greased the pole so it couldn't be removed. They then took over the camp radio, renamed it the BBC and read out a 'Royal Proclamation' declaring the reclaiming of the colonies and the resurrection of the British Empire, then spent at all breaks for the rest of the day marched around the camp singing Rule Britannia!

When the Trek America rep came on to do his bit before the 'travelling afterwards' questions, he said that when he started repping over here he told two girls who ignored him, in the normal American way:

"Fine, blow me off then!"

It was only afterwards that he found out what this meant over here, and then had to do a presentation with them sitting in the front row. He asked everyone to guess where he's from. In America he got mistaken for a Californian surfer because of his long blonde hair. Over here people thought he was Australian for the same reason, but with the added justification that his Mid-American accent is actually quite Aussie. He went on to talk about what his tours were like (cheap bumming in a minibus, sleeping in tents) using the example of one that passed through Las Vegas. He then says:

"If you want to pick up a bigger souvenir..."

...while putting up a slide of a couple outside a 24hr wedding chapel!

The One About the Englishman, the Welshman and the Canadian

Quote of the moment:
"Losing is good for you - if you work in A&E" - According to a recent study in Cardiff on match days, winning results in more assault victims because of men with their spirits buoyed by pride, patriotism and rapidly downed drinks!

Went running today. Was going great, managed about a mile at fast jog/slow run pace, then stopped to stretch and my knee started complaining. Bastard. Had to limp all the way home. Rather like doing some weights last night and being limited by my buggered shoulder, despite dosing up on Ibuprofen.

I was supposed to be working from 6pm til 11pm. That was a somewhat ambitious estimate, given that the restaurant didn't empty until nearly 11pm and the backlog of dishes combined with the pigsty left by the chefs wasn't cleared until 12.30am! At least it's more money in the bank(as long as I actually get paid for it). Didn't do much for the supper left out for me though.

Watched Quads again tonight, which is a strange cartoon about a guy paralysed in a car crash and his impaired friends living in a mansion bought with his compensation payment. You can tell it's Canadian already, before the randy pointy-nippled girlfriend, before Sister Butch the nun and a long time before the 'partly funded by the Canadian cash-for-being-risqué Board' logo at the end. Only in Canada.


Reilly the quadraplegiac with Miss Sheridan Franny his girlfriend
Missed Desperate Housewives, as I probably shall permanently from now on. Damnation! I'm now watching A Private Function, which is quite entertaining, terribly English and produced by George 'Beatle no.3' Harrison:

Maggie Smith to Michael Palin: "Right Gilbert. I think sexual intercourse is in order."

Slacker Shorts

Quote of the moment:
"I should be more like Prill - she gets all the boys!" - Rob at le party-age, discovered written on a piece of paper on my desk today.

Got some shorts in Peacocks in Chelmsford today, for my travails travels:



You're damn right, that's an interesting picture :p

Zulu went for a swim in a pond in the wood today, then when I called him out he charged straight at me and smashed his chest against my leg, just as he does when he charges at Ben. He seemed a bit surprised when I didn't move and he bounced off! The foolish dog left a huge wet imprint on my trousers too. D'oh! He nearly made up for it when we got back to the road by putting up a pheasant. The bird flew off low across the road and Zulu was left standing at the top of the ditch with a mouth full of feathers, looking very miffed. I'm not sure my mum would have appreciated yet another one to pluck and gut though!

I watched Mulholland Falls last night because of the cr-r-racking cast, including Nick Nolte, John Malkovich, Michael 'Mr Blonde' Madsen and Chris 'Nice Guy Eddie and brother of Sean' Penn. The real star, however, was the flat rubber cosh that Nick Nolte (playing a dirty L.A. cop) used to break various fingers, noses, jaws and injure assorted other bodyparts. Imagine if we'd watched it in a cinema with Jim...

A Porcine Posting

Quote of the moment:
You drew the pig:
Toward the middle, you are a realist.
Facing left, you believe in tradition, are friendly, and remember dates.
With few details, you are emotional and naive, they care little for details and are a risk-taker.
With 4 legs showing, they are secure, stubborn, and stick to their ideals.
You drew medium sized ears, you are a good listener
The length of the tail indicates the quality of your sex life.
And again more is better! You drew medium sized tail

Take the pig test, then view my pitiful effort afterwards so you don't get put off.

Bleurgh. I was woken up at 10.30am by a phonecall from Bell. They wanted my timesheet(s) for last week and since they never gave me any blank ones I had to go in to the office and fill them in for this week, then nab some more.

Back at home I had some huge slices of ham from Sunday supper (the second roast of the day) for lunch, which felt almost organic :p

I then went and propped up the back gate with some construction site type steel rods my dad found in the ditch last month, since his grand plan for putting in a new gate won't be implemented for at least a year, despite him buying all the parts. This is standard for my dad: he bought a printer/scanner/fax machine about 18 months ago which hasn't come out of the box, and I had to wait until he'd gone away for a weekend to open up and set up the laptop that is now mine, because he'd bought it 9 months before and it was rapidly getting outdated.

After that, on the orders of my dear papa, I got the pressure washer out of the garage and hosed some of the patio which is covered in green algae stuff. Similar to hosing down dishes and almost as dull. Great day off!

Part-way through my hosing Sarah decided to play Smash Bros, so I handed over to my dad and joined her. After only one owning she demanded to be on a team with me, so we did that for a while, which was pretty much the highlight of my day. I should quit the diary-style posting, my life is way too dull.

[Edit 00:24 - Cossacks 2 has finally been released! Hurrah! It only got 2/5 stars from the Times reviewer. He reckoned it's too similar to the original, and that the new features don't really add much. Spoilsport! There are some respectable online reviews, but judging from the previous one, however, I'll wait a year for the updated, bugless version with extra units and all, and if it's better then, when I might have a computer capable of running it, I'll buy it. Until then I'll stick to playing the original, or, at the moment, Jimmy's GameCube. I think I can look after it nicely while he goes to France for a month!]

Comrade Willski

Quote of the moment:
"Did that actually happen?" - Sarah, asking about the plot of Air Force One, in which russian terrorists seize the president's plane and he is eventually evacuated via a midair zipline to another plane. You can tell she's blonde, can't you?!

Work was fun again. No, really. It's so enjoyable.

On the plus side, I met more russians! One wasn't there at all yesterday, and the other left soon after I arrived. That second one is effectively the head porter, since he's the oldest. He also happens to look like a Cossack, being short and stocky with a faded scar coming down from his right eye, which he uses to wink at anyone who pleases him while his left carries on staring at you like a cat at a mouse. He's cool.

The real positive aspect was actually getting free Sunday lunch at about 3.30pm, picking from everything not served to customers. I had chicken, roast potatoes, mashed carrot/swede/pumpkin sort of stuff and two yorkshire puddings that were about the size of a GameCube each. They were seriously HUGE. Since the option for eating it was between the empty banqueting hall and the smoking room, I chose the banqueting hall, which is a Cromwell Centre type building, about twice the size. While I was sitting in there, on my own, at a huge round table in the middle of the room, the manager came in to show some prospective hirers around. D'oh! He told me to stay put, so I sat there eating while they looked around.

On the down side, the restaurant doesn't open on Sunday night, only for Sunday lunchtime, so I was actually caught in the cleaning up again. Arse fez! At least I didn't have to clean the huge fryer thing this time.

Job. Job-Job-Job-Job-Job-Job-Job. JOB!

Quote of the moment:
"Hullo. I am Mikhail, this is Andrey." - Russian 'porter' number 1, referring to himself and russian 'porter' number 2. I'm the third porter and it's amazing how suprised everyone looks when I don't have a (cool) russian accent.

Yeah. The job. [Yawns].

Worked from 5pm til 1.30am. The job itself is kind of a kitchen skivvy, except that no-one orders you to do anything, they ask nicely. Have to wear a lovely silly uniform, as people in restaurant kitchens do. White shirt thing with buttons/poppers up the front, blue flat hat(stripey ones for senior cooks, chef + deputies go bareheaded - no silly white things), blue and white striped apron and matching trousers. I didn't have those though, since naturallement there were none big enough. My apron was a waterproof version since I was doing a fair bit of washing up. It was a doss though, because you just shoot the dishes with a pressure hose thing, then stick them in a rack and slide it into the industrial dishwasher.

I did a couple of hours of that, but the majority of the time I was taking the dishes out of the rack once it comes out of the dishwasher(which isn't that flash, it just lifts up and down onto the rack). Not exactly enthralling, but ok. Occasionally I had to go upstairs to collect the dirties from the bar and the attatched 'banqueting hall' for large functions, but the ones from the main restaurant get brought in by the (mostly) waitresses. They're mostly fit student types, which is handy!

The bummer was having to stay after closing up(around 12.30am), to clean the kitchen. Very dull and mucky. Fortunately this was the only time I'm down to stay beyond midnight - I have mainly 11pm finishes. I'm only working at this place (as per now) until next Sunday, so hopefully it won't get too dull.

I'm now off to bed, because I have to be there to work 11am to 7pm today. That's 10 and a half hours between shifts to get home, eat, sleep, get up, get ready and drive back in. I normally sleep longer than that, plus that doesn't include needing to get petrol on the way in or, more importantly, blogging!

[I apologise for the probable rubbish english in that. Too... tired... Have to be up in less than 7 hours...]

P-P-P-Pick Up A Porter

Quote of the moment:
"It's ok if you have something to think about, otherwise you'll fall asleep from boredom." - Supervisor describing my job for the day, Thursday 7th April.

I got a call from Bell about 12.30pm, just after Will and Kaz had left, saying I had employment from 2.30 until 11pm. Hurrah! That did mean abandoning Rob and Vince in my house, but they had the Cube and hopefully Vicky stopped them getting lost. I was working at AdAl Engineering in Witham, which makes small steel parts for various machines, I believe. My job for 8 hours, with half an hour break in the middle, was putting small rings of steel into a press, then pulling the handle down to bevel the top edge. Interesting. It was interrupted several times by the machine jamming though, which gave me at least a ten minute break each time while it was fixed!

The company, as suggested by the name still being on most of the boxes, was until recently called WHJ Fagg & Son Ltd. LOL.

Today I got another phonecall about the same time, saying they didn't need me back for that job today (phew!) but if I could work on the weekend, I could get £6 an hour portering at Waterfront Place in Chelmsford. Saturday from 5pm, Sunday from around midday (I can't actually remember!) and the prospect of more next week. Having been informed I'm busy on Thursday at a Camp America briefing in London, Bell still phoned back to say I'm on for Wednesday, Friday and next weekend as well, and that they'd get someone else just for Thursday night. I feel so wanted!

The Prillo Party

[From the early hours of the 8th, reporting the events of the 6th/7th which couldn't be posted because I was babysitting the drunks, then again because Blogger failed.]

Quote of the moment:
So, here is what I have decided to do. Basically, I am going to have three basic type of punishments: detention, 50%, and zero. If homework is not done or incomplete, there will be detention until work is finished. If work is late, there is an automatic 50% discount on the grade. If the behaviour is so bad that the student had to be sent to the office, there is an automatic zero for that class. Oh and by the way, failure to show up to detention is a zero. That'll teach them! - I wouldn't have scored very highly in Lexcie's maths class!

Once upon a time, there was a gathering at the bowling alley at Freeport. It was pretty cool. Apart from Vicky eating all the Haribo, I was very pleased with it! My bowling was somewhat varied (from a couple of strikes to a double gutter-ball) but I scraped 3rd out of 5 in both games. That was 3rd out of everyone as well as our lane, since we had the real men: Jimmy, Vince and Hawwy, with me as a flukey interloper, as well as the birthday girl. The other lane was just RUBB-ASH!

We headed to Aroma for eats, but since Will T had spent all the money he stole from his little brother's piggy-bank on the bowling, we diverted to Pizza Hut for the budget option and took a takeaway home. Having demolished the pizzas we started gaming: hurrah! A pause for Desperate Housewives allowed me and Kaz to prepare the cakesss:




Prill attacks the cake with glee

There was then some retro Twister action, in which Jimmy managed to rip my boxers, just as Paddy did last time!



Prill and Jimmy headed home about 11.30pm, because her dog allergy puffer wasn't coping with the combined effect of Zulu and Ben. Will T and I continued with the ISS 98 in Jimmy's abscence, peaking with this epic match(which ran on into extra time after being 5-5 at full time):



I got so drunkenly excited that I took a video of the replay of Will's (admittedly superb) best goal. In my defence, my goalie was on the lowest setting, and I was playing as an off-form Turkey to his top condition Brazil! (There's no defending getting THAT keen on gaming).

I then took a picture of Will 'celebrating' his victory. For once Kaz has her eyes properly open, so Will blinked!



While we were busy, Vince had passed out on the floor:



When we eventually decided to go to sleep, I laid out the sofa cushions in a carefully tessellated pattern, showing my geekness even when drunk:



Another excellent Rob t-shirt slogan:



Will's mum's sexy tortoiseshell shades:



The sleeping beauties:









In other news: Iraq finally has a new president, following 9 weeks of haggling since the elections.

Big Cakes Please Small Minds

Quote of the moment:
Will: "You look really mature."
Prill: [Gasps in theatrical horror, with hands clasped to face]
Will: "No, I meant you don't look like a school-girl any more. Well, not until you did that, anyway."
Prill: [Pouts]
Will: "Exactly."

Went into Chelmsford today, to purchase a present for Prill. Had a look in Game, but they still don't have any GameCubes in, damn them. They're listed on the site as out of stock, too.

Having found the present, Vicky (who was clothes shopping) and I headed to Tesco to buy £5 worth of stuff to get out of the carpark. I rang Jimmy to see if there was any party food they wanted, and since they were in Chelmsford too we agreed to meet up. Half an hour later we had a trolley full of party food and no sight of Prill and Jimmy. The lure of the pwetty shoes was obviously too strong. When they did turn up we spent ages trying to persuade Prill to make a decision on what cake to buy. [Sighs]

The eventual party food list is:
1 tub, Haribo Starmix
1 tub, Haribo Tangfastic
1 large packet, BBQ Doritos
1 large packet, Cheese Doritos
1 large packet, Chili Doritos
1 large packet, Lime Doritos
1 triple packet, Jaffa Cakes
2 packets, Party Rings
2 bottles, Coca Cola
1 packet, Iced Gems
1 cake, large sponge
1 cake, medium chocolate

For those of a more visual inclination, that's this much:



Yes, the indecision was solved by having both kinds of cake, including one huge one with nice thick icing for Prill. Accordong to the boxes that's 32(20 + 12) people's worth of cake, but given that one is a kid's cake and the other a fancy one, and that portions are always stingy, we halved that to about 16 decent slices. That's enough for everyone and thirds for me!

We also got eggs, bacon and bread for bacon and egg sarnies in the morning(or afternoon, depending on when we get up). All alcohol concerns should be amply furnished from the house stock, which includes a full litre of Smirnoff Red Vodka and a fair few Smirnoff Black Ices, as well as a diverse assortment of beer.

Any queries?!

Justification for Jousting at Jeopardy

Quote of the moment:
"Yep. The new Weebl and Bob rides into town like sexual conquistadors looking for action. Finding none they turn to leave but something catches their eye.

That something is you.

Prepare for loving."

It's called Joust and is sadly not particularly great, but is hopefully setting up for a brilliant next one.

As you might have noticed, I've taken to using full justified text. Yes, it's a slow news day. Anyway, I like it. [Edna (Brad Bird) voice]"Left justified text is like a hobo suit, darling. Your blog can't be seen in this. I won't allow it."[/Edna (Brad Bird) voice]

Some actual news today: The Double Jeopardy law has been abolished for serious offences, with retrospective effect. That's the one saying that no-one can be tried more than once for the same crime. Since DNA testing has produced evidence that could prove beyond doubt the guilt of 800 people who've been acquitted until now, it's about time.

Sketches and Shrooms

Quote of the moment:

You scored as Democrat. Democrat 83% Anarchism 75% Republican 58% Socialist 58% Communism 33% Green 33% Fascism 8% Nazi 0% What Political Party Do Your Beliefs Put You In? QuizFarm.com

As Lexcie said, the code for that is pointlessly huge. The script and positioning is defined for every single line. D'oh!

I cycled into Felsted by a roundabout route and back on the straight road. All the way into the centre this time, making for a total distance of 11 miles. Thats makes for 12 miles an hour (a 55 minute trip) including stopping at the prep school to see what radical innovations were being publicised on the noticeboards in the remodelled carpark. Go me!

Since Jim was so eager for some, before I left I took some pictures of the fungus on the tree outside. I'm slightly suspicious about his interest in shrooms, but he can have full-size versions if he really wants.




The staircase effect is quite cool, I guess.

I've just watched yet another "Top so-many things" show on Channel 4. This time it was Britain's 50 Greatest Comedy Sketches. It was rather disappointing that The Spanish Inquisition only reached number 12! The Local Shop was 3rd though, which made me happy. The Dead Parrot was runner-up to Lou and Andy at the swimming pool. Something which Will T no doubt already knew: it was originally a sketch about Lou Reed and Andy Warhol living together in the 60's!

Kingdom of Destruction

Quote of the moment:
"Looks like needless air resistance to me." - Steve Prefontaine referring to the "Swoosh" (tick) on the very first pair of Nike trainers.

I watched Prefontaine tonight after Meet The Parents. Very good, especially the way the light perfectly replicates that in 70s films and the original race footage. Incidentally, swoosh was the term he invented for the final surge of energy at the end of a race.

This morning our puppy, Zulu, decided to chew the post. This morning's post happened to include a new bank card for my mum (completely destroyed) and my sisters' school reports. What a clever boy - if only he'd been here a year ago!


My dad put the bits back together.


The totally dismembered card.

Also for your viewing pleasure, the start of Zulu's journey to Australia:



In other news:

Mr Homer left a comment on Koel's blog. Scary. I might have to watch my words on there.

Kingdom of Heaven comes out this summer: Ridley Scott, director of multi-Oscar-winning Gladiator, reminds everyone how to make a historical epic properly. It's a story of crusaders, castles and huge trebuchets featuring the now obligatory Orlando Bloom, with solid backup including Liam Neeson, Jeremy Irons, Edward Norton and Brendan Gleeson. That's the Brendan Gleeson who was in Braveheart and spoke the immortal line:

"I'll crush you like a worm!"

T-shirts and Table-top Games

Quote of the moment:
"No it isn't!" - Jimmy, to everything the commentor says in ISS 98.

For the last 8 hours I've been at Jimmy's, with Jim. Hurrah! Games fest!

I got carried away yesterday and forgot what I was going to post about. This was particularly foolish since I had photos! [These were added soon after I got home, at 7.15am]

Yesterday:

I went into town in the afternoon looking for work... AGAIN. Went to Bell, they said twas a mess-up cos I was expected on tuesday night and thus struck off the list. K, said I, and they said they'd phone Monday if they had something. I also went into Rayment because they had an ad in the paper for baggage handlers. This was for a 6 month contract though, which they didn't tell me until I signed up. Sigh. Nevermind, hopefully they might find me something. I DIDN'T go into Reed, because all their stuff in the window seemed too office related, which I'm not really qualified for. It was only after 5pm that I remembered they had placed people at the sorting office. Oops.

After the agencies I went back to the carpark through the High Chelmer arcade and thus was irresistably drawn to GAME, as one is. I found they had GameCubes for £65, with Donkey Bongos + game and Mario Kart Double Dash. Meh to the bongos, but Double Dash is cool, so having obtained Rob's approval I thought I'd have it.

There were none in stock. D'oh! I am therefore on a list to be rung asap when some come in. Score! While I was there I found a 128MB memory card on offer for £15 and a pre-owned copy of Super Smash Bros Melee for £10, so had them in case they were gone by the time the GC was in. This, I reasoned, would also prevent me from being able to change my mind. Impressively, despite me leaving my GAME card at home, they found my account on their computer with just my postcode!

In order to get out of Tesco's carpark without paying I needed to buy £5 worth of stuff in the store. Having looked at the CD's I spotted Creme Eggs being sold off for 18p each, so I had 28 for £5.04! There should be enough left for one each next week, if I don't get too hungry...



I had the camera out because I took it with me when my dad and I went to my grandparents for supper, to take photos of an old (and restored) Bagatelle set they have. This is the original huge version (not the marble one) played with a snooker cue on a baize surface, with small carved wooden dimples with various scores. Very cool, and quite valuable, if a bit age-damaged. They were thinking of selling it on Ebay, but were persuaded it would go nicely in our emptied house.





While I had the camera out afterwards at home, taking a picture of the eggs, I thought I'd show off my awesome Bear Faced Liar one:



I also got one of my Camp Westmont t-shirt, distributed to all who signed up with them at the Camp Directors fair:



So now you see why I didn't just carry on after my rant!

Girly-Girls

Quote of the moment:
"You're not a little girly-girl, are you?" - grandpa to small boy afraid of climbing down off the garage roof, Desperate Housewives. In the show that was supposed to be a chauvanistic comment. YA! That's great. Boys (as a whole) are braver: fact. Girls care more: ditto. It's anthropology, doofus. Like the Harvard professor being ostracised for saying that fewer women are in sciences because men are better at them. IT'S TRUE. Male and female brains are different. Women are better at arts subjects. Fools.

On a similar theme, a Times Article said that injury rates among women in the army have risen to several times that of the men since universal fitness standards were introduced. This is apparently shocking and should be changed! The women have lower entry standards because they are generally less fit, and thus have to be forced up in fitness level at a faster rate during basic training in order to pass the end test. This causes most of those extra injuries and is a possible justification for extending training time, or just demanding greater efforts to get fit first.

A female commentator in The Times suggested that women should be allowed lower targets. Great plan. Let's take a woman in the Royal Artillery. When on operations they have to go on combat patrols as part of their section, platoon, company or higher, and if they contact the enemy they have to fight with the men. If they aren't fit enough, the whole unit is less capable, and the men in the unit are endangered because they have to mollycoddle the women. Plus, men cannot be expected to push themselves as hard when they know the women in their unit have an easier ride.

Cunning. Objection overuled, crushed and destroyed, way before addressing the all-important issue of morale and the resultant lack of confidence in all female soldiers, whether they were as fit as the men or not, and consequent lack of confidence in all units with female soldiers. That's everything except the infantry and armoured corps.

This might be viewed as chauvanist, but being a soldier is the ultimate man's job. It is a role that men have evolved for by natural selection: the best fighters win. If women want to be soldiers, they must be able to fulfil that role without any demand for compromise.

On a seperate note, I just watched Ring 2 (the Japanese original, hence no 'the'), after Ring last night. Prill told me to shut up about when I mentioned it, because it terrifies her so much. Sigh! Both were good, but psychic-powered children are about as scary as the baddies in Buffy.